Having people in my life who live in the Alps, I'm wonderfully blessed to be able spend a significant amount of time outdoors, especially along the Rhein. I mostly go jogging, one of my pastimes in general. Being out in the fresh air, between the mountains and the river, I often find myself in my clearest states of mind. From the perspective a truly relaxed and contented self, I make plans and resolutions that are becoming of what I feel at the time is my true or real self.And then I return from my run and become re-enculturated. That is to say, the normal pulls and stresses of life become visible and palpable again, and what the Buddhists call the "monkey mind" returns. My resolutions fade into the background of all of the tasks and worries that are a part of my life when I'm not along the banks of the Rhein. I see my intention fading as I simultaneously become busy with the next thing. It is a terrifying feeling -- like I would imagine someone who is gradually losing his or her memory to feel.
This pattern resembles what we all do every New Year when we make a resolution. The turning over of the calendar is the mental space we all look for in the hustle and bustle of daily life. And then the first day of January comes, and most of us can't keep the monkey mind in check.
One hears the hum of cynicism every year: "Why bother making resolutions? -- Everyone knows they can't be kept." This sort of cynicism is tempting for me. I don't like to fail. I've learned to save face -- it's part of the professionalization process, after all. But this year I resolve to fail in my resolution better than the years before. The moment I start to fail, I want to take the time to ask myself: In what direction am I headed and why? What was it about my resolution that exposes the ideal I have as a fiction rather than something real? Forgiving myself for not living up to my ideal will be the basis for the next big turn.
In obeying the doctrines of my ideal self, I can only learn to fail better. (The notion that I should write on this problem came to me during a run months ago. I got around to it eventually.)
